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Despite $80 in alterations, the bridesmaid dress I have to wear in two weeks still doesn't fit in one very important area, that dry stretch of flatlands between my clavicles and waist. Normally, I don't care about my meager endowments. Having a small chest means I practically never have to wear a bra, which is a good thing in my humble opinion. I don't have to deal with slipping straps or pinching, poking underwires. I also save a lot of money whenever I go to Victoria's Secret, seeing as how the only thing I buy there is underwear. In total, I own five bras: two lightly padded underwire t-shirt bras that I hardly ever wear, two no-wire bras that haven't seen this side of my top dresser drawer in ages, and one 3rd degree pushup, super-padded, actually-honest-to-god-gives-me-cleavage Wonderbra that I'm pretty sure my Aunt Jeanne designed. This last is the bra I wore to the fitting and the only thing I currently own that would have a snowball's chance in hell to fill out the ridiculously large bodice of this particular dress. Unfortunately, it's nude. However, the seamstress declared it worked, even though she still wanted to sew cups into the dress, ostensibly so I wouldn't need an airbag should we get into an flaming car wreck on the way to the ceremony.

So. I go to pick up my dress in Queens (two subway transfers away) and am horrified to realize the damn bra straps show. The hag of a seamstress decides I need to buy a strapless bra and kindly offers to sell me one of the overpriced wedding bras they have in stock. No thanks. I made her sew those little bra strap snaps onto the inside of the dress and left. Presciently figuring that the nude Wonderbra might not work, I had ordered several black bras online, in varying styles and sizes (did I mention I rarely ever wear a bra and thus I have no idea what size I actually am, despite the fact my aunt is a bigwig in the intimate apparel industry?) and I threw in some silicone inserts for good measure. I didn't really know how they would work, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. A way to hedge my bets, so to speak.

Two of my new bras arrived today, neither of which works with the dress. I even tried wedging the falsies into the cups, but the silicone blobs are too big and I had a nightmarish vision of one of them slipping out and hitting the floor with a resounding thud as my dear sister-in-law says "I do." I was about to cry when I remembered the wireless bra. It wasn't the right band size, but I recalled the cups being full coverage. I say "recall" because I haven't actually seen or worn this particular bra in more than five years. It took a little digging, but I finally unearthed it. It's as big and ugly as I remember and the straps are rather wide, but when I place the slices of silicone goodness inside it makes me look huge! Like a real woman almost. Or at least one who's had a child at some point in her life.

Anyway, I tried on the dress and it actually fits better than when I wore the Wonderbra (my apologies to Aunt Jeanne.) My wedding outfit is finally complete. Now all I have to worry about is my hair.