I am a crotchety seventy-eight year old hag in a thirty-something's body, who dresses like a tweenager and braids her hair into pigtails.

Today I yelled at a bunch of Brooklyn Tech High School students who packed themselves like veal onto the G train one stop before I had to get off. They were all yammering at the top of their lungs and acting generally annoying, as teenagers are known to do. I knew I was going to have to use force to extricate myself from the subway car, but I didn't think I'd have to use my charming personality as well. After politely shouting "Excuse me!" to the first kid who didn't notice me at all (sure, he towered eleven inches over me, but still, that's no reason to be totally oblivious to your fellow man,) I pushed my way out, shoving kids left and right, and climbing over their ridiculously heavy backpacks like a freakin' mountain goat. When I finally got free, I heard myself mutter -- quite loudly, I must admit -- "Fucking kids!"

As I scampered up the stairs I heard one of them comment on how tiny I was, and can you believe she shoved me out of the way!? Sorry kid, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I didn't want to end up in Queens before I could get the hell off.

Btw, how do you like my new hat? I made it yesterday.