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The Hitcher
Friday, December 22, 2006

Oh, and speaking of '80s movies, did you see they made a remake of The Hitcher? Can you believe it? When Kyle mentioned it to me I was incredulous. "Who is playing 'the hitcher'?" I shrieked. "How could anyone possibly be a creepier hitcher than Rutger Hauer?" Well, I saw the commercial for the new one tonight. The hitcher is -- get this -- Sean Bean, better known as Boromir from The Lord of the Rings! Wtf! He was a little creepy in that "Iiii'll never telll" movie Don't Say a Word, but I'm sorry. Nothing can come close to the empty, icy stare of a freaky, blond Rutger Hauer.

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Two Decades After
Thursday, December 21, 2006

I'm watching The Day After on SciFi. What a blast from the past (pun definitely intended). The Russian ICBMs just hit, now everyone will start to evaporate. I remember how Goddamn scary this movie was when it originally aired in 1983. The special effects are downright cheesy now, but back then? Pure terror! I haven't seen this particular it's-end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it movie in years -- I completely forgot how many famous people are in it! John Lithgow, Jason Robards, Steve Guttenberg, Jo-Beth Williams, Holling from Northern Exposure and of course Flounder from Animal House. Now I ask you, what nuclear holocaust movie could be complete with out Flounder? An star-studded cast to be sure, but I don't know if I can sit through the rest of this movie. It just drags from here on out as everyone slowly dies of radiation sickness. It's not nearly as entertaining as Jehrico, the post-apocalyptic soap opera I've been watching this fall. That Skeet Ulrich, mmm-mmm. He can rescue me anytime.

I have to say, The Day After freaked me out way more than that other 1980s doomsday scenario, War Games. But that movie was more about the painfully young and cute Matthew Broderick and his hokey phone modem than actual death and destruction. The only other World War Three movie of that era that truly scared me was -- can you say "Wolverines!!!"? -- Red Dawn. No nukes in that one, just an old-fashioned paratrooper invasion, although it did fill me with a little hope for our ultimate survival that a handful of teenagers armed with cross-bows and shotguns could fend off trained Cuban military forces.

It's weird to think the Cold War is over and the Soviet Union doesn't even exist any more. The message of the '80s WWIII movies was all about the futility of nuclear war. Recall the wisdom of the WOPR: "The only winning move is not to play." These days all we've got to worry about are fundamental terrorists with dirty bombs and a nuke-equipped country run by a delusional madman. We've certainly come a long way, baby.

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